Putting our affairs in order, or proactively helping our loved ones get theirs in order, is VERY easy to put off.  Most of us in midlife don’t really want to think about that subject.  It’s awkward, we don’t really know how to start the conversation, or we rush through when it does come up because we are uncomfortable.

Our member, Frances, finds herself unexpectedly the co-executor of her cousin’s estate because she didn’t really probe deeply enough when she was asked to ‘help out’.  Amy Praskac, our end of life organizing expert, tells us how to avoid being put in that difficult situation.  

Question:

During the holidays, I visited with my cousin Kathy at a family gathering. Kathy was in the end-stage of cancer and no longer receiving any treatments. She asked me, “When the time comes, will you help Mary?” Mary is my cousin’s only child. I assured her that of course I would.

The time has come. I got a phone call from Mary informing me that we are co-executors of her mother’s estate. This was a surprise to me; I didn’t know that “help” meant serving as co-executor. Mary, who is the sole heir, is not happy either. From subsequent conversations, I have inferred that my cousin did not trust Mary’s husband. I find this all very awkward.

It’s too late for this situation, but how should I have handled this?

Frances G., Topeka, KS

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Our expert is Amy Praskac, owner of On the Record. Amy was widowed unexpectedly in 2003 and served as her late husband’s executor. This experience brought home the importance of having one’s affairs in order and served as the inspiration for On the Record. On the Record is here to bring order out of chaos regarding end-of-life and encourages families and businesses to communicate in advance of need with the dream to prevent conflict among heirs in order to contribute greater peace in the world. End-of-life may refer to an individual or a business.

Amy says:

The key is to ask questions while you can. You were understandably at a disadvantage because your cousin did not clearly and directly ask you to be an executor of her estate. However, you might have inquired about what kind of help she anticipated her daughter would need and this may have elicited the information you needed to understand the situation.

What you can learn from this situation is how to ask someone to serve as your executor or successor executor. Make time to have a quiet conversation with this person; that is, not at a family gathering. Tell your prospective executor why you have chosen him or her. It could be the closeness of your relationship or special skills that person has. Be ready to answer questions. Make sure to tell him or her where your will is. Sketch out your assets. Tell who your beneficiaries are. Provide information on any special circumstances.

And be sure to thank your executor in advance for taking on this very important responsibility.

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