You've raised your kids to be independent and by the time they are 18 they behave so independently they drive you crazy!  And, it doesn't stop there! It's always hard to let go and let your grown children live their own lives.  Changing roles from active parenting to spectator and sometime counselor (if asked!) can be a stretch.

In this article, Dr. Joshua Coleman, PhD shares with us some common mistakes that parens make with their adult children.

In the past 100 years we have gone from seeing children as robust and benefiting from the rigors of life to seeing them as fragile and in need of protection. In addition, while parents in the early 20th century wanted their children to conform, respect the parents' authority, and to fear them, today's parents want their children to be independent and to love them. Many of today's parents are confused about how involved or uninvolved they should be with their children when they leave the nest and are often hurt by the sometimes-sudden decrease in intimacy that comes with their independence. The following are suggested as recommendations to decrease conflict and increase closeness with your adult child.

• Don't criticize their choice in romantic partners. You have raised your adult child to be independent, so don't assume that you know better about who they should be with.

• Don't criticize their parenting. Yes, you may have years of experience, but most people like to learn on their own and resent intrusions from the outside, especially from parents.

• Don't criticize their sexuality. This should go without saying, but we don't choose our sexuality, our sexuality chooses us. Criticizing something about your child that is part of his or her make-up is a guaranteed recipe for alienation.

• Don't guilt trip about their lack of involvement with you. Guilt increases distance and resentment.

• If you're going to say no to a request for money or some other form of support, do it with affection and not as a complaint or criticism.

• Take responsibility for mistakes you've made in the past.

• If your adult child has cut off contact, don't respond with retaliation. Work to understand why your child feels the way that he or she does. Assume that there are separate realities in every family and that your adult child has a legitimate perspective, even if it isn't obvious to you. Get a lot of support for the inevitable feelings of hurt, anger, guilt, or shame evoked by the alienation from your adult child.

Dr. Joshua Coleman is an internationally known expert in parenting, couples, families, and relationships. He is a frequent guest on the Today Show, NPR, and the BBC; he's appeared on ABC 20/20, Good Morning America, CNN, America Online Coaches, and news programs for CBS, ABC, NBC, and FOX.  He is the author of When Parents Hurt and The Marriage Makeover .

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