In this article, Dr. Marianne Brandon, PhD, a clinical psychologist and sex therapist,  attempts to lay to rest the misconception that as we enter midlife, our interest in sex dies.  It’s easy to understand why this myth persists since our youth-obsessed culture perpetuates this idea.

Dr. Brandon says it’s true that our libido undergoes changes, but for most of us, our sexuality is still alive and well, thank you!  If your libido is good and healthy, this article may expand the way you think about it.  If you’re having low libido issues, it will give you hope.

Even though we live in a culture that sometimes seems to be obsessed with sex, we’re not always very knowledgeable about sexuality. And one of the worst myths in our society is the idea that sexual desire -- or libido -- always fades with age.
 
Our sexuality does change as we grow older, but the reality is that we can stay as tuned in to our senses and remain as sensual as we want to be. For both men and women, sexuality and libido can stay an important and enjoyable part of life.

UNDERSTANDING LIBIDO

Sexual desire differs between men and women. That seems obvious, but it’s actually a major source of misunderstanding in our culture. For a woman, a healthy libido tends to be experienced as being receptive. She responds to her partner, but her libido is less assertive. Over time in long-term relationships, women tend to become less spontaneous in their desire and less interested in initiating sexual activity.

Men, on the other hand, generally remain more eager to initiate sex throughout a long-term relationship. That’s a very basic difference between men and women, and it’s important to understand -- because a woman might misinterpret her response and think that she has low libido, when in fact she’s perfectly normal and is responding as a healthy woman would.

Similarly, as a man ages, his ability to have sex (though not his desire) changes. The quality of his erections may diminish, and he may not be able to have an erection as frequently as when he was younger. These changes are normal, but they can cause a lot of distress.

Important: There’s a big difference between low desire and genuine dysfunction. Psychologists do recognize a disorder called hypoactive sexual desire disorder. In both men and women, it’s characterized by a lack of interest in sex and a lack of sexual fantasy. The disorder must cause marked distress to be considered diagnosable. And even then, it’s a controversial diagnosis. Some professionals feel it’s motivated by drug companies that want to have a disorder that can be diagnosed and treated with prescription drugs, such as supplemental testosterone. Many feel that there haven’t yet been enough high-quality scientific studies to confirm that the disorder affects as many people as some researchers claim.

THE PHYSICAL PIECE OF THE PUZZLE

The physiological aspects of sex and desire are just a small piece of what makes up our experience of our sexuality. Our society is very focused on the physical aspects of sex, but if you’re in a loving relationship and you want to expand intimacy, having a high libido isn’t the primary requirement.

When two individuals share intimacy -- their hearts and bodies -- they create something beautiful. That intimacy doesn’t have to rely on intercourse and orgasm. When the sexual patterns that used to work for you start to change, as they naturally do as we age, it’s time to look into other aspects of how to give and receive love well with your body.

But if your body isn’t healthy, it’s hard to enjoy any kind of sex life. Many things can interfere with your libido...

• Sleep deprivation. Someone who is tired from lack of sleep, too much travel, chronic illness or some other reason, is far less likely to be interested in sex.

• Poor diet. Not eating right can cause fatigue, digestive upsets and other problems that interfere with your sex drive. Being obese can also cause sexual difficulties.

• Medications. Some common prescription medications, including antidepressants and blood pressure drugs, can interfere with sexual pleasure by altering blood flow to the genital area. Antidepressant drugs, such as fluoxetine (Prozac), citalopram (Celexa) and sertraline (Zoloft), can also lower libido. Sometimes reducing the dose or changing to a different medication helps. Don’t hesitate to have a frank discussion with your doctor if you think that a drug you take is impacting your sex life.

• Chronic conditions, such as diabetes, arthritis and high blood pressure, can affect your libido by interfering with blood flow or making sex uncomfortable. There are ways to work around these medical challenges.  Unfortunately, many doctors don’t know much about this. Also, you and your doctor may be too embarrassed to discuss the topic. But don’t give up on sex! Consider consulting a trained sex therapist instead.

• Menopause. The hormonal changes of menopause can make intercourse physically uncomfortable for women. This problem can easily be solved with lubricants, such as K-Y jelly and Vagisil, and, when appropriate, the use of hormones to relieve vaginal dryness. Discuss the issue with your doctor.

EMOTIONAL ASPECTS
When a man or woman is feeling depressed, anxious or stressed, he/she is unlikely to be interested in sex or feel a desire to be close. In fact, low libido is one diagnostic indicator of depression.

When serious depression is ruled out, however, we can still have anxiety and negative feelings about our bodies. Our culture tells us that to be “sexy,” bodies should look a certain way, but very few of us actually ever looked like that, and we certainly don’t look that way when we get older.

Being comfortable with our bodies and avoiding unrealistic expectations helps avoid a lot of emotional anguish.
Understanding what arouses your desire -- and what doesn’t -- is an important part of improving your libido. This means exploring your own sexuality and sharing that knowledge frankly with your partner.

By learning what you enjoy most and communicating it in an emotionally open way, you increase your own enjoyment of sex. And when you start to enjoy something more, you become more interested in participating in it and initiating it.  Our culture tells us that as people age, they lose their sensuality and sexuality, but that’s simply not true. 

We don’t lose the need for intimate contact, we don’t lose the need for touch and we don’t have to lose our sexual desire. Research shows us that people can be sexually active for as long as they want to be.

As we get older and our bodies change, making love can be a fabulous way to feel pleasure in our bodies and have a sense of growing and expanding.

SPIRITUAL FULFILLMENT

Spiritual contentment is what turns sex into making love. I’m referring to the experience of a deeper and more profound sense of life and also of a deeper and more profound connection to yourself and your partner. That’s achieved through an open heart -- by living more fully in a loving way.

Spiritual contentment in a relationship can be nurtured in part simply by slowing down and taking more time for each other. Spending quality time together outside of sex, for instance, will help partners share life goals and get to know each other at a deeper level.

Older adults often have more time to experiment with this way of thinking because they’re at a point in life where they’re less focused on schedules and the rat race. They can relax more into the experience of being loving outside of sex as well as during sex, and they can more fully experience giving and receiving.

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Bottom Line/Retirement interviewed Marianne Brandon, PhD, codirector, The Sexual Wellness Center, Annapolis, Maryland. She is coauthor, with Andrew Goldstein, MD, of Reclaiming Desire: 4 Keys to Finding Your Lost Libido (Rodale). Her Web site is www.wellminds.com.

Reprinted with the permission of:
Bottom Line/Retirement
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281 Tresser Blvd., 8th Floor
Stamford, CT 06901
www.BottomLineSecrets.com

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