The transition from long term marriage to singlehood is different for everyone.  For some it's filled with sadness and grief, others discover a new sense of freedom and wonder.  What's true in any case is that it is a period of trial and error, figuring out for one's self  what works and what doesn't, on many different levels.

Karen Kreps, author of Intimacies: Secrets of Love, Sex & Romance, shares an excerpt from the book about a middle-aged woman finding her way as newly single woman after 20 years of marriage...

The tracks my friend Patti and I have traveled lead in opposite directions socially. I had lived alone for years and dated many men before, settling into marriage at age forty. Patti, on the other hand, had never been on her own until age forty. Five years ago her marriage ended after nearly two decades.
 
“My ex and I still love each other,” she told me, “but we both realized that the relationship was no longer feeding our souls. Our two boys were grown and it was time to move on.”

She did not view the divorce as a sign of failure, but rather as an exciting opportunity for her to discover herself. She sounds practically euphoric about her new life.
 
She admits that she likes being able to make choices for herself without worrying about others. “For the first time, I was not caught in the triangle of husband, kids and job,” she says. “Instead of always focusing my energy on one of them, I now really am happy to explore being in my own space.”

That space is now filled with music, poetry, art and romantic possibilities.

She quit her corporate job and used her savings and the divorce settlement to build a small new house out by the lake. Alone, with her dog, she feels safe in the solitude.

“The first thing I do each day is write a haiku. In the morning, I hear only the songs of birds while I write verse. In the evening, I swim. I practice my mandolin and piano. I joined a choir and love to sing when alone at home. I have lots of friends with whom I dance.”

She enrolled in school to become a massage therapist. In addition to doing bodywork, she supports herself at a variety of jobs: bookkeeping, waiting tables and tending gardens for some neighbors.
 
“In massage school we created really deep personal relationships but, for a couple of years, I had no interest getting involved with anyone. I wanted to discover who I was on my own. But now, almost every man I meet is a romantic possibility.
 
“Normally, I’m not that focused on being with a man. If someone is there, great. If not, that’s fine too.”
Patti built a network of women friends. They’d meet regularly for pot-luck dinner and resource banking. Each woman talked about what she needed help with.

“I need a job.”

“I need support to stop drinking.”

“I need a truck.”

“I need someone to call after I’ve been away on business.”

Somehow, each woman found what she needed from others in the group.

“With that kind of support,” says Patti, “I could be with men and not feel dependent on them for anything. It was very liberating. I had taken my life into my own hands.”

To date, she’s been sexually active with three men. Eugene was the first.