Losing a long-term marriage or partnership in mid-life is all too common.  And, it can be devastating.  There are some differences between how men and women respond to such a loss.  Have you heard the saying, "Women marry men hoping they will change, and men marry women hoping they will never change"?

Dr. Larry Miller PhD. has been running divorce recovery groups since 1985.  In that time, he has conducted 159 groups of people recovering from loss of a significant love relatioship. 

In Part I of this 2-part interview, Dr. Miller enlightens us on the challenges women in mid-life face with loss of a significant love relatioship.

What stages and emotions do you typically see women go through after the loss of a significant love relationship? 

We work primarily with people whose relationships have ended through divorce or separation.  We use the five stages of grief identified by Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross that people experience with death or terminal illness.  Our experience is they are also valid in divorce or loss of a long term love relationship.  

The stages are denial, anger, depression, bargaining, and acceptance.  I don’t know where Dr. Kubler-Ross would have placed fear in those stages, but I would put fear right up there based on my experience.  Especially as women get older, the uncertainty of what the future holds can be frightening. They aren’t as young as they used to be.

Two important things happen in our classes.  First, we normalize the experience for people.  As others are talking and interacting, people can see they aren’t the only one experiencing feelings of anger, fear, or denial.  That’s really important. They realize that what they are going through is completely normal.

Another more relevant aspect for women especially is these groups often become a community.  It’s a place where they can make new connections.  People usually tend to bond with at least one other person.  It’s not unusual for these new friends to remain long after the groups are finished.


Do men and women experience this loss or behave differently?

Women in general are more comfortable than men with this ‘community’ aspect, this sharing of experience.  It’s been shown that men die younger than women.  Single men die younger than married men.  This speaks to the value of being connected with others.

One’s love relationship has ended, but a group like ours provides an opportunity to create new relationships.  This certainly isn’t the same thing as one’s love relationship, but these ongoing relationships often sustain people through this difficult time.

We’ve only had two classes where more men came than women.  The current class is pretty equal.  The guys who come to these classes aren’t typical guys; they are more in touch with their feminine side. They are wonderful to have in class since they may be showing a side that women didn’t see in their partners. But, many men don’t seek help, or acknowledge the need for help.  I think they do behave differently.


Do you find men and women leave relationships in the same proportion?

In my experience, women choose to leave a relationship more often than men.  I’ve coined a term that may help explain that…genderalization.  For women, relationships are primary and other functions, jobs, hobbies perhaps, are secondary.  Most guys, if they have to choose, will choose a function.  It isn’t that neither cares for the secondary functions, but each places more value on their respective primary function.

If the above is true, then it would stand to reason that women tend to give more weight to the quality of their relationships.  So that, if the relationship isn’t satisfactory to one or both parties, it makes sense a woman might weight her unhappiness more heavily than a man, and, therefore, leave.  The state of the relationships will occupy a larger part of her world view.  

Guys tend to compartmentalize more, it doesn’t mean we don’t hurt but we can put that aside and do business anyway.  For many women, the hurt spills over to the rest of their life, they are more affected.


What are the unique challenges of losing a long time relationship for women in mid-life?

I think fear and uncertainty are a challenge for women.  This is a different day and time than when most of us got into relationships initially.  What are the ground rules, the expectations, what’s OK, what’s not…just learning the relationship game again can be a little scary.

That, and we get in trouble if we expect subsequent relationships to be like previous ones.  Especially if we idealize them, or if our partner chose to leave, we want to get back to ‘normal’.  But unfortunately, there is no going back.