Losing a long-term marriage or partnership in mid-life is unfortunately all too common.  And, it can be devastating.  There is light at the end of the tunnel however.  Healing from a divorce takes time, but understanding what it takes to do so is half the battle.

Dr. Larry Miller PhD. has been running divorce recovery groups since 1985.  In that time, he has conducted 159 groups of people recovering from loss of a significant love relatioship.

In Part II of this 2-part interview, he tells us how women can heal themselves from this loss and how they know they are ready to move on to a new realtionship.

What is the biggest mistake a mature woman can make in the face of loss of a love relationship?

The biggest is to jump right back in to a relationship.  The challenge is to be willing to be patient as the clock ticks.  It’s a different clock than the 35 year old baby clock etc, but it is still a clock.  Learning to tolerate the uncertainty and discomfort that comes along with the loss is very important.  

People simply aren’t emotionally competent to be in a relationship too soon.  In time, we become better judges.


For a woman losing a long term love relationship, what are the most important things she can do to help herself heal?

Take time, and another piece is, expect it to take time.  That is perfectly normal.  I do not believe that time heals all wounds, but I do believe it takes time to heal all wounds.  It’s isn’t going to be immediate.  The impulse is to get into another relationship is often seen as the solution to the problem.  

And one of the greatest offenses I see people take is when they are hurting, and their partner is already seeing someone.  People assume this means the partner is further along than they are.  I’m here to tell you that isn’t necessarily so.  It looks better but usually it isn’t true.

Don’t push.  Be patient.  Get the support you need to be do this.

Another thing is that many people move from the marital ‘house’, figuratively and literally, into an apartment.  Many want to be in the ‘house’ again, either the same ‘house’ or a new one, they never make their apartment home.  They camp out, they don’t unpack the boxes or put pictures on the wall.  They are simply not investing in their singleness.  For however long you are single, you must furnish the singleness ‘house’, and commit to it.

Live it, don’t just endure it.
 
What signs tell you a woman is ready to move on?

This sounds paradoxical, but you’re ready when you don’t have to be in relationship again.  You’re ready when it’s a preferred option, not a necessity.  That gets tricky, because we get single and become comfortable with our singleness and then we’re not too sure we want to deal with all the issues that go with being part of a couple.

I myself was single for 18 years before I remarried. I never expected to remarry, never yearned to as in, that’s the only way to live.  But I was open to it, and I think that’s the key.  If we believe it’s a requirement, then we’re apt to think we better grab it quickly.  We don’t always understand what we’re grabbing.  

I’m delighted when I hear men and women talk about their increasing comfort with their singleness.  Yea!  Comfortably single people are much more attractive than uncomfortably single people.  That is true even if their goal is to get un-single again.  People happy with their life are attractive…others think, yes I’d like to share that!


Are there differences in how women experience loss of a love relationship through divorce vs. death of a partner?  

Many people would say that the difficulty in divorce is emotional, still having to see them, see them with other people, manage children with them etc.  Divorce may be more challenging in an ongoing way certainly.  The initial grieving in each circumstance just depends on the individual.

Long term relationship without marriage is about the same as divorce.  It’s really dependant on how much emotional investment someone has in the relationship.  For someone who has packed a lot of energy into a short amount of time, the end can almost be more traumatic than someone who has been married for a very long time but whose investment and engagement have been diminishing over time.

What is a good predicter of how a woman will survive a loss like this?

Emotional maturity from the survivor’s perspective helps people move forward.  If you have some life skills, you’re not as dependent on that relationship for your well being.  A less mature person may struggle more.  There is a saying I like quite a bit…if I am what I do and I don’t, I’m not.  If you over-identify with any function of your life, whether parental function, spouse function, job function, etc and something happens to it, then because that was your whole life, what do you do?

Having a single-hood or individuality in addition to your couple-hood means you’re better able to survive the loss of that couple-hood.