Oh ho, how good we women are at filling a million roles:  daughter, wife, mother, achiever, employee, volunteer...the list goes on and on.  How often do we identify with these things so closely that if a divorce comes our way, or we are laid off, we don’t even know who we are?  If not the perfect wife, who am I?

Midlife is a time when these questions of roles and identity bubble to the surface.  In this article, Lin Scheib, a life coach who helps her clients put the ‘life’ back in their life, discusses what she calls ‘the ultimate identity theft’.

This identity theft is much more debilitating than losing your credit cards, or even your social security card or passport.  This is the theft of your soul, the essence of who YOU are.  It keeps you from reaching out and from taking risks.  It keeps you from experiencing the life that is meant only for you.  And, it is a disservice to the world, because the authentic YOU is your greatest gift.

So, what steals our identity?  The theft can come from many sources – our careers, our families, a cause.  We can lose our identity to our fears and to the expectations of others.  Remaining in an abusive relationship is one such example.  Any kind of “aholic” behavior, whether it be shopping, work, substances, etc. is another example.  In these cases, and others, we are looking outside ourselves, to someone or something else, to define our worth.  It robs us of our power, and it’s a vicious cycle.

I lost my identity as a child to achievement.  I believed that if I achieved, I would be loved and valued.  This seems so innocuous.  Who would argue with achievement?  But it built inside me a fear of failure, or rather the fear that if I failed, I wouldn’t be loved.  So, I spent many years of my life focused on achieving, of continually earning the love and validation that I craved.  It was exhausting because it took so much energy.  It was humiliating because it was never enough.  It was limiting because failure wasn’t an option.   It cost me friends and relationships because comparison was a constant criteria.

Later on, I lost my identity to my husband.  He was the center of my life, and I never felt worthy of him.  After all, he was tall and handsome and a basketball star.  I was a hick girl with crooked teeth.  When he unexpectedly announced that he wanted a divorce after 5 years of marriage, I was devastated.  I hadn’t achieved the “perfect” marriage and I hadn’t warranted his love.  

Well, like most of us, I recovered enough after awhile to get on with my life.  Soon I lost my identity again (did I ever really find it?) to my career.  I went to work for the most admired corporation in the world and was determined to be a huge success.  I gave much of myself to my career, sacrificing a solid family life and a network of friends.  For over 9 years, I traveled about 80% of the time, sometimes over week-ends and special days.  My home was a hotel room; my friends were my work colleagues.  I was busy performing and achieving.  Then, after 20+ years of employment, I returned from vacation on September 12, 2001.  I was, naturally, distraught and upset about the catastrophic events of the previous day.  The first phone call I received was from my manager, not with compassion for the horrific times, but telling me that there had been a “resource action” while I was gone.  I no longer had my job.  I felt the rug totally pulled out from under me.  I had always been able to count on my competency, my ability to achieve.  It wasn’t enough.

So, if I wasn’t achievement, the perfect wife or the irreplaceable employee, then who was I?  I truly didn’t know.  I felt that I had been living my life behind a mask, whatever mask was required at the time to bring me worth.  Or, perhaps I was simply an actor on a stage, playing the part handed to me.   I embarked on a frightening journey to discover my SELF.  What if I didn’t like what I found?  Time and again I almost crawled back into the comfort of achievement, of living according to the expectations of others.  It was easier than reaching inside myself to find my own expectations of me.

It was taken me about 5 years to find my true identity – to know my calling, my purpose, and to value my worth as a person.  It was a journey fill of doubt, tears and self-reflection that has led to great joy.  It required me to take an upside down view of life and success.  I even walked tightropes and climbed 40’ trees to discover my courage.   I can honestly say now that I’m not only comfortable with who I am, but I absolutely love myself.  Not in a narcissistic way, but in a healthy, accepting way that is forgiving of my flaws.  I managed to remain with the corporation until I decided to leave on my own terms in mid-2007.
 
I am now passionate about awakening women to how they live their lives defined by others and to instill in them the courage to pursue their authentic selves.   I would love to hear your thoughts.  Have you, too, allowed your identity to be stolen by someone or something?  How did you manage?  Have you reclaimed your SELF?  Tell us how.

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.”  Ralph Waldo Emerson

Lin Scheib is a life coach helping her clients put the LIFE in their life.  Through her “7 Sparks Of Aliveness”, she helps women to create the life they want.  Whether it’s fulfilling a goal, improving a relationship, or moving your career to the next level, Lin can help you move that needle.   For more information go to www.lightninglifecoaching.com.