Hi Bconversant,

I know you are not alone in this. It's hard enough to come to grips with the physical changes in our bodies, and then throw in the physiological changes so that sex actually becomes more physically challenging...well, it makes me kind of pissy with Mother Nature. Can't she know that we are living until we're 80 or 85 and we still have a lot of years we want to have sex? :)

You don't say much about your friend, but is it possible that he is feeling the same things? Guys have their issues too, gaining weight, balding, erectile isssues, etc. that I'm sure cause them some angst. I know it would be an awkward conversation, but I'm amazed at how often having awkward talks actually improves the situation. It might be a relief to both of you.

I hope that something changes for you because I can see this is a sadness for you.

Allison

Bravo for speaking up! Menopause involves many changes, including sexual functioning changes, and is difficult to treat because the transition involves so much more then the biological changes. The timing and degree of change varies from woman to woman and the nature of sexuality is incredibly complex which tends to complicate the transition to menopause even further!

You're right, the transition to menopause is a great loss. We may not enjoy our ‘monthly visitor’ but it is a tangible reminder that we are a woman. I encourage you to view these bodily changes as an opportunity to discover sexuality in a new way! It appears that the ‘friend with benefits’ is not in line with what you might desire in your life at this time. The anxiety might be related to your experience with the bodily changes, the lack of emotional connection, or perhaps even a decrease in sexual arousal and/or lubrication. It’s hard to pinpoint the exact culprit!

I encourage you to be true to yourself and know that giving up this friend, if you so choose, does not mean that sexual pleasure will have to stop. If you are comfortable with masturbation and fantasy then I recommend that you engage in those activities regularly, friend or no friend. Include lubricants and sexual toys , create a setting that you find sensual, and spend time discovering sexual pleasure in innovative ways all on your own!

By taking time out to be sexual with yourself now you will be more than ready and comfortable with the woman inside and out when that lucky man arrives!! Kegel exercises are especially important for vaginal health so try to make Kegels a part of your daily routine. Check out these sites www.managingmenopause.org and http://www.a-womans-touch.com/dr_myrtle.php for information!

Let me know if I can help further!

Shelley Imholte, PhD.

Second marriage of 5 years for me and we have 4 children ages mid to late 20's. Sex was great until I went into my computer history and found my husband looking at porn 5 yrs ago and that was after he told me that I am the most beautiful women he has ever been with. That left me feeling old, ugly and heartbroken for the first time in my life. I adored this man so much before I found out about that.

Since then I downloaded Spector Pro on my computer to view what he does. He has continued pulling up pictures of girls that are in lingerie, buldging out of bikinis or at a baseball game, etc. etc. all around the ages of 18-22, just slightly younger than his daughters. When confronted he said there is nothing wrong with that. I told him it makes me uncomfortable that he is looking at girls his daughters age and I cannot look like or compete with girls that age. He said it's not about me, but really it is. If he were in his 20's or 30's then maybe I could understand it, but he is in his 50'.

I wish my husband were into me as much as I am with him. I have done everything to please him and cannot understand why he still needs to look. I am pretty and in great shape from working out and he says that men find me attractive.

The other problem to this is when we watch TV together and we are cuddling. He seems to stay up to date with the naked women TV celebrities from the web. When he sees women celebrities and young sport stars in certain programs or movies he sometimes has to leave me and go to the bathroom to release himself (I'm sure you know what I mean)and I know it's because he was thinking of their naked body he has seen on the web. He has left evidence behind to prove what I just said and I can almost predict now when he is going to do that. He has no idea how that makes a women feel, especially his wife.

When I have questioned men about this on a blog, they told me that all men surf the web either at home or use their blackberrys' web to find young girls to look at. They do it because they want to masturbate or use the picture of that particular girl they saw by having sex with their partner so they can think about her. It kind of sounds like when you are older that you really do not matter any more when it comes to the bedroom.

If any other women out there are wondering about their husbands on this same issue, then it is easy to order the Spector Pro software online and download it to track what your partner is doing online. If they have Blackberry's, then all you have to do is go to their web history and you'll be able to see what they are looking at.

I can only hope that no one out their has suffered through this more than I have.

somebody ....please explain to me what it means when your husband of 27 years has stated ,on more than one occasion ,that he would be turned on seeing you havin sex with another man????? about seven years ago , he had an affair , so i really don't know how to take this. i think it is very weird!

One night, I was on Craig's list looking at housing ads and noticed the personals. I thought they were kidding that someone would go there to meet folks so out of curiosity, I investigated. Whoa! I learned that there are more folks out there than you might think who are in to this kind of thing. Yikes, not my thing but apparently it's a thing with a lot of people.

I'm not saying it's not 'weird', it's weird if it's weird to you...but I'm just sayin', there are lots of folks out there who do this kind of thing to jazz up their sex life.

Crazy, but true. I'm guessing your husband is telling you what he would like to explore with regards to your sex life. What you do with that is up to you :)

hmmmmm... i haven't thought about that, i was worried .i guess he can go jump in a lake with that thought!!!!